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Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I have to tell you I LOVE Christmas. I love the decorating, the wrapping, and even as hectic as it can be the shopping. We usually decorate the weekend after Thanksgiving, NOT this year. The thought of decorating the house literally made me want to vomit. I was physically sick from it. Even as I write this the thought makes my stomach churn.
I had no idea where the money was going to come from. I didn't want my kids waking up Christmas morning with nothing to open. By the second week of December I was in a full blown depression. I cried or was angry all the time. My mother called that week and said she wanted to take me out that weekend. She told me that her and my grandmother didn't have a lot of money but they wanted to help. She wouldn't take NO for an answer. So I went home that night and decided to not ruin the holidays for the kids. That weekend we were going to get the house ready and we were going to enjoy what was left of the holidays.
That Saturday we spent the whole day decorating. When Sunday morning arrived I got up counted out all the change I had in the house, which surprisingly was almost $200, got showered and ready to go. Overall it was a good day with my mother and grandmother. I enjoyed being able to cry, laugh, and scream, when the shopping overwhelmed me. They were there for me emotionally, physically, and mentally that day. It felt good to lean on them. Even though I didn't have alot of money I managed to pick a few things up for the girls that I thought they would like. It wouldn't be the Christmas they were used to but all the same it would still be Christmas. The strain between my husband and I even seemed to ease. We did a little Christmas shopping for the girls on our own.
Then right before school let out for the holidays I get a phone call at work from my oldest daughter's boyfriend's mother. She is belligerent. Here today was her son's birthday and my daughter had smacked him in the face in front of other students. I was totally blindsided and dumbfounded. I calmed his mother down and explained when I got home I would handle it on my end. First I needed to find out what had happened. So when I get home I tried very hard to tread lightly when I approached the subject with my daughter. I say to her calmly "Before we start this conversation I need to know did he put his hands on you." She says "No but he lied." That was it took. I went into a tirade about how that was unacceptable behavior. She knew better to put her hands on anyone. Her reply to me was that they would be okay. If only that had been true for her. What she didn't realize was that she had just severed her relationship with this young man she had been seeing for over year.
The following week she called and apologized to his mother. She told my daughter to give him over the holidays and they would be fine. That seemed to ease her mind until Christmas Eve. I had to go in for a half a day that day and then needed to get home so that we could finish getting ready for our annual family Christmas Eve gathering, which we have been hosting at our home the last 3 years. When I finally get home I find my daughter in tears. She is heartbroken to the extreme. She tells me through the sobs that he had started dating another young lady the day after the event and that his mother lied, because she knew about it and she had encouraged him to do it. I did what any mother would do I held her as she cried and let her know that the first time is always the worst. I also let her know that she would find someone new. I knew how heartbroken she was because mine was still broken. I cried with her and for her. I knew though that as her parent she had done wrong and this was the consequence for it.
We got through the rest of the evening without a hitch. It wasn't until I saw the small pile of gifts that the girls were getting that I began to sob. I cried myself to sleep knowing it would not be long before they got up.
At 6:00 Christmas morning they came in to wake us both up. I went into the bathroom and as I sat there my 15 and then 11 year old barged in. As I looked at them I began to cry and to try and explain to them I really did the best I could this year. They both took me in their arms and held me. They told me that it was okay and that it wasn't about the presents it was about all of us being together. They reassured me that no matter what they got they would be happy to have gotten something. I wondered when my children had begun to become mature in there own right. I must admit they even acted excited as they opened there gifts. My youngest was a little different, but she doesn't understand all of it. Christmas day was good, we visited with family and all really just relaxed.
I learned that sometimes we have to depend on others to help us through. I couldn't have been more thankful for my mother, grandmother and even my dad's wife who went and picked up a few things for us to give to the girls. Without their help it would have been really small. I am thankful for my girls for they give me the strength to keep pushing through. They remind me that no matter what material possessions they do not have they have our love, guidance, and support. There is nothing more important in this life than them and their love for me.
As November rolled in I was trying to keep myself busy by blogging as much as I could. Some days it seemed to be enough. It is truly a freeing experience sharing your business with other people. Most of them don't talk to me, but some have. Some have even inspired me to try my best move on. With the holidays approaching though it just wasn't enough.
Here I was still constantly praying and feeling like I wasn't getting anywhere with it. It felt like I was in quicksand and had nowhere to turn. Now I realize most of you are saying "Oh you were and are just feeling sorry for yourself." Your right I was and some days still am, but I am trying real hard to fight for everything I have and not just put my hands up and quit.
I can tell you that I began to do alot of soul searching. Some of it was good and some of it was bad. I began to try and correct the mistakes that I had made with myself and others. I really delved into my bible so that I could be lead and not try to lead. That's easier said then done though. This is when I began to write notes to God. Yep I said that right. I couldn't shareall of my feelings on the blog and I couldn't tell my family the things I was contemplating and how I felt so lost and alone. I had to get it all out of my head one letter at a time. So I wrote it all to God. I wrote what I felt and all the questions I had going on in my head. I wrote about the things I just could not understand. I wrote until I was completely numb and empty.
If I am honest I felt sorry for myself about the situation I had put myself in financially, but I was truly tortured at what I thought my ideas were of certain people in my life. My whole life I have idolized certain people in my life and thought they were the ones who were supposed to be my knights in shining armor. I realized that what I had made out to be my hero, was not. Things had been said and done that I can forgive, but I can never forget. Things that are painful and hurtful to any human being alive. Things I can't and won't explain because they hurt to much. So in writing my letters to God I shared all those things. The good, the bad, and the plain ugly truth. I often cried, yelled, and even screamed as I wrote these letters in an attempt to help ease my pain. Writing the letters help me to look at things from a different perspective on things at times. It helps me to sometimes understand where I am and how to correct my own behavior.
So here Thanksgiving arrives and I cried because I felt like there was nothing to be thankful for. We spent the day with his family as we do every Thanksgiving. I had to reach down to the depths of my soul to enjoy myself and smile. Yet there was one moment I felt truly alright. I was in the kitchen with my husbands mother helping her finish dinner. I began to cry and she reached out and held me whispering in my ear that it would all work out for us in the end. She reassured me that I just needed to be faithful in my prayer and in my faith alone. God had a plan for us. At that one moment though I really wished I knew what it was.
Monday, August 16, 2010
I have always thought that this time of the year is the prettiest. It's when the trees begin to change to pretty oranges and reds. The weather is still warm during the day and cool at night. Pumpkins,scarecrows, cornstalks, and hay bales begin to appear on peoples front porches. Children to start making plans on what they will be for this coming Halloween. That and my birthday is the 30th. So Halloween has always been fun for me. This year though the fun was all gone and the depression had begun to set in. I was just trying to take one day at a time.I was constantly in prayer trying to find a way out of the hell that I had created.
I was still optimistic that my husband would return to work, especially when him and my father started communicating again. Things at home though were still strained. Some days were better than others.
It was in this month though I began to see things in a different light at work and wondered if this had all been a way to just get rid of him. Maybe I had been a pawn in a game and had fallen right into a trap. I tried hard not to think that, that was the case, but there are alot of contributing factors.
I must admit not all things where going sour that month. That month I was going insane with all the thoughts going through my head not just about my life but everything. I don't keep a diary and I honestly didn't have anyone to really share with. I felt lost, lonely , confused, and completely frustrated. Until one day I am sitting on the couch and the thought of a blog came to me. Now I know what you are saying isn't that silly if you aren't much of a sharer. I thought so to. I pondered on it a few days, but the more I pondered the more the urge was. So I knew somewhere in my soul that God had compelled me for whatever reason it may be. So I started work on the blog , but wasn't sure how to design or where to begin. Then a thought came to me I have a friend that works on the computer daily and I knew at some point she had a blog. she would be able to help me. The only thing was is I hadn't talked to her in probably a good year, but that nagging feeling was there again and I knew I had to make the call. When she answered we got to talking and I must admit it felt like we had never stopped talking. She agreed to help me, but that compelling feeling came over me once more and I knew she needed to be apart of this journey for me. No matter where it might lead us.
So my friend and I started a blog. It took off in my brain like a wildfire. I was constantly writing and typing. It felt good to release all that junk inside my brain. Some days it felt like it came straight out of my soul. I must admit it is fun to watch how many people began to follow and to come up with new ideas each week. The other thing was is that my friend and I forged a different kind of friendship then the one we had when we were kids. She let me share all of my fears and worries. She let me cry, laugh, and scream when I needed to. She let me feel free of some of the things I have hidden deep inside.
I had truly hoped that this might be my turning point. That by releasing I might begin to heal.
Friday, August 13, 2010
$20.00 Walmart Gift Card Giveaway
This time of the year most of us are getting our children ready to go back to school. So I thought that it would be nice to have a little something to either help with the costs or just so you have a little something for yourself.
So here are the rules :
1. Open to U.S. only. No P.O. Boxes accepted
2. I told you a funny story so I want you to tell me something funny thatt happened to you. You can leave me either a comment below or send me an email.
3. Will run from August 16, 2010 - August 31, 2010 EST. Time ( Early comments and email will count).
4. Winners will be picked at random by random.org.
5. Winners will not be annouced unless you give me permission.
So let's hear those funny stories. Good Luck!
So here's a little funny for you today. The other day I am sitting at my desk bored out of my skull. My co author on the blog calls me and says I have to tell you what happened to me. She begins to tell me that her daughter was looking for a game on her phone when she accidentally called my old number ( I am thinking to myself what old number). Then within minutes she receives a text asking her who is this? Now you have to understand the text has my name as the signature on it, so she thinks that I am messing with her and she replies " Are you smoking crack today? It's you friend Bobbie who you has been your best friend for 15 years." Of course the person replies with " No I'm not smoking crack and I am pretty sure I don't know any Bobbie." She then realizes that it must be my old number. So when she is done I say to her what old number are you talking about she then says ***-540-****. I then proceed to tell her that the number she just repeated to me is my now number. So I frantically start searching my bag for my phone. No phone in my bag. She says let me find out what her name is I say okay just call me back. I then call home and tell my husband this not so funny story now. He firsts asks our older girls they say they haven't seen my phone. Then he goes out to the truck and downstairs to look for it. I tell him to keep looking I will call him back. I then call her back and she tells me this girls name and I say are you sure that you called the right number. She says hold on I will get my phone and read it to you. She then repeats the number again ***-504-****. I say okay there is the problem my number is 540 not 504. Thank God she doesn't send me text messages, because I would have never answered and she would have been mad. I then call my husband who has now found my phone. He's upset because once he found it my oldest daughter says oh I could have told you where it was. Now that is after he had already asked her once before. Even though he was mad I couldn't help but laugh at the whole situation.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Decisions, decisions, decisions we are always deciding something. Never being lead always trying to lead. Talking faith but never showing or truly believing. How our brains fail us yet we never remember our hearts won't. We need to listen with our soul so that we can hear the words being spoken. Not speak the words we want to hear.
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