There comes a moment in your life when suddenly stands still and everything is just suspended while you sit there thinking “What the hell?” That happened at the Dr’s office this morning. Everything was pretty routine until the test results. “Ms. Bobbie we are looking at possible Crohns disease and Bile Duct Cancer.” Taking a light and peering in my eyes he continues “The amount of bilirubin in your urine is worrisome. “ Getting closer to my eyes he says “You are definitely not jaundiced.”  It is funny he is in my face talking about two diseases that may possibly kill me and I am worried whether or not my breath stinks. I guess maybe a defense mechanism?

He is just chattering away and my mind is stuck on those two words. Finishing up he ushers me outside to the desk. Then they start scheduling tests, giving me instructions and a to-do list but time was still standing still. I mean do they not know that when someone says Cancer your mind refuses to comprehend anything else? Advices to the masses…make sure someone is with you so they can listen to what they are saying. I did understand that I have a test on Monday that will take 6 to 8 hours but the rest I am not so sure.

What I understand most is that I am sick and it may not be good. What I understand is that I feel alone right now. What I understand is if one more person says “It will be okay” I am going to scream. How the fuck do you know? You don’t and neither do I. What I understand is that at 9:30 AM my life changed somehow. My best friend, partner and sister told me this was supposed to be my diary. I laughed at that, even made a joke about it in my Who the Hell Am I post but now I am not so sure it is funny because I may need it and that thought scares me.

TTFN,

Bobbie