Dear Diary,

 Ever had a revelation smack you right in the forehead.  Well that’s what happened to me, just the other day.

I have prayed that God help me to be more obedient to his will and I want to clear my heart of any darkness that lies within it, that shouldn’t. Then it hits me like a sledgehammer to the head.

A lot of times when searching our hearts and souls we find some unresolved issues, and of course I am no exception to this rule.  So now how to change my heart. The revelation is where I have to start.  But first I have to tell you the whole story so that you can understand. So here it is…

Year ago I had a friend named Claire.  We were in middle school when we first met.  From that moment on and until graduation we spent every waking moment together. We like many young girls planned out our whole lives together. We would be friends until the end.  That was at least until, the BIG fight!

You see after graduation, she met someone and I met hubby, so we began to grow apart. In growing apart our trust levels for each other also diminished greatly.  So when a mutual friend of ours started playing the “She said this and she said that” game we fell right into it.  By the time we finally confronted each other we were so pissed that we both said some pretty awful and nasty things. All the vulnerabilities that we had shared were now fair game.

We didn’t speak for again until the day that I got married, which was a year or so later.  Our mothers had remained friends and her mother encouraged her to come over and congratulate me. We only exchanged pleasantries, of course. Then again after the birth of my oldest daughter she arrived again, but this time was different. She wanted more than just pleasantries between us. She said she was sorry for all the hurt and pain that had been caused between us. She wanted what we once shared again.  I in exchanged agreed that we should just move forward from there and see what happened.

We did just that, we moved forward. In the coming years she moved to Texas and she got married. We still talked once or twice a week though. About a year or so after she got married, she called and announced she was pregnant and they were moving home to be closer to her parents.  A week later I found out that I was pregnant with my second daughter.  We were so excited that we would now be together and pregnant. Those months were some of the best as we exchanged baby information and how we were feeling each day. I had already had one child so I tried to help prepare her for childbirth and how her life would change once she became a parent.

We were due one week apart. Her due date was Mar 29 and mine was Mar 17. But she beat me to the punch and had her daughter on my due date. Here’s the funnier part though I had my second daughter exactly 12 day later on Mar 29. Often funny how things work out isn’t it.

During the course of our pregnancies though I could see the strain on her marriage. Honestly the guy was a real jerk anyway. He and I never did get along. He even once told her that she couldn’t be friends with me. That didn’t go real far with her.  But anyway that is neither here nor there.  This was supposed to be the most important time of their lives as they prepared for the birth of their first child, but instead he just pulled away and became selfish.  Shortly after their daughter’s birth, they separated.  All I could do was try and hold her hand through it.  Claire went back twice, but after the second time she decided that they were much better off apart.  While going through this we spent as much time as lives and families would allow.  We spoke on the phone on the days that we weren’t together. Slowly over time as she began to heal that changed.

Soon though life and families did get in the way, but we talked as often as we could.  A couple of years later she had found someone new and announced she was expecting again. Unfortunately, it didn’t take him long to decide that this wasn’t for him. So here she was again a single mom, but now having to take care of two children. I applaud her for making the decision to keep moving on in light of the fact that each of these idiots moved on. They have no idea what they have missed, because there are moments in each of these children’s lives that they missed out, but her she will get to treasure each of those memories the rest of her and their lives.

I tried to be there the best I could, but again life just kept drawing us further apart.  Things became more complicated after the birth of her second daughter.  At a month old, Claire was informed that her daughter had some serious health issues that would have to be dealt with continually.  It seemed the older her daughter got the harder it was.  It was doctor appointment after doctor appointment and hospital visit after hospital visit. Even though I could not be there physically I tried to be there for her emotionally. But the phone calls had gotten to be once a month if we were lucky and the visits with each other were now none existent.  Then it all just stopped.  We didn’t speak again until after the birth of my third child, but it has never been like it was before. The last 10 years it has pretty much been hit and miss. And even when we do speak it’s usually just pleasantries.  I have thought about her on many occasions and yet I seemed content with the way things have been between us.  That is until now.

This now brings me back to present time and the revelation.  Here is what happened next….

Finally I mustered up the courage to call Claire and she answered on the second ring.  We exchange pleasantries and then I just cut straight to the chase before I lose my nerve.  I explain about my journey and that God had showed me how I had let her down as a friend. I knew in my heart that when she really needed someone to hold her hand or a shoulder to cry on, I had failed her.  I expressed to her how sorry I was and if I could go back and change things I would, but I can’t. So all I have to offer her was an “I’m sorry” and I want to try again to find our friendship. For I miss my friend.  Through my own tears I hear her say “I forgive you and I have missed you to my friend.” After many hours of tears and laughter we have both agreed that we would no longer allow things to come between us, the way they have before. We have also agreed that we will be totally honest with each other about everything, and not get mad at the other when we are honest. We have decided that we don’t have to talk everyday but we need to do better than once every six months and that at least once a month we will get together to catch up on all the things that we have missed.

I must say that since calling Claire last week, we have texted each other every day (like children would) and have already planned when we will be getting together next month. I am glad that God made me remember my friend and what was between us. I am glad that he sent me back to her to find out what will become of us, our families, and our friendship. I truly have missed my friend and the things that were once shared between us. I don’t ever want to go back to a time when she isn’t in my life.

Forgiveness, whether you are giving it or seeking it is an amazing gift. It allows us to begin to heal and let’s love fill our heart in places we didn’t know existed. I am grateful to God to have found forgiveness, but I have also gained understanding. Understanding that sometimes we can hurt someone and not realize what we have done. And sometimes we are hurt and when they ask forgiveness, we speak the words but not truly accept it. So it’s examining all the things that we do each and every day. So that if we need forgiveness we can not only ask it from him, but from the person we have hurt. And in some cases it is also about giving forgiveness even when it has been asked or not. That way our heart remains healthy and happy.