Dear Diary,

So here I am trying hard not to digress, but it has been one of those days. It seems for every one thing I got right, I got a million more wrong. I pray for faith and yet I cannot seem to totally grasp it in my hands, my heart, or even my head.  I seem to be in constant prayer all day long and yet still have no feelings of peace or any more strength than when I began.  I try to make myself realize that it has only been a couple of days since I have set this new life in motion. Some days will be better than others I suppose. Yet I have had an epiphany. Here it is…

Sometimes hiding yourself in the dark is not always the answer. It is easy to run and hide from what I feel each day. It is also very easy to put on a false smile and pretend that everything is okay. But I can tell you that will only get me so far and does not cure the problems or feelings that I have. I must take the time to address what I am feeling and why I feel it.  Will I always understand myself? No! Some of the things I feel cannot always be explained in the simplest of terms.  Yet all these emotions make up who I am, what kind of day I will have, and even in some cases who I might become.

In having to evaluate my own thoughts and feelings, I realize I am 95% of the time absolutely confused about myself. And with the confusion has come depression.  Even as confused as I have become I try to find the source of my inner conflict.  Yet in searching for this source I do find a small bit of enlightenment. It’s that enlightenment that brings me peace and will carry me through. I also know that someday I WILL have gained enough enlightenment about myself that I will be able to apply it to my daily life.  That way I am only 5% confused and conflicted and 95% happy.

So ignorance to myself is NOT bliss. Knowing whom I am, how I feel, and what I want to become is.